As I've just started my Thanksgiving Vacation, I don't have access to the books I would otherwise like to write on. I still have the ideas in my head, but the specific quotes...are gonna be hard to attain. So! We'll stick to summaries.
I've been thinking a lot about an adage that I believe was in A Grief Observed (wonderful book if you haven't read it; way different than his other stuff. Phew.). Lewis talks about how remarkable it is that God loves us, and still wants us even when we would have other things. Can you imagine? Someone offers you the most perfect love, and instead of reciprocating you throw your life and attention into achieving your dream career. Or wheedling at your own imperfections. Or romancing your significant other. Even when we don't give him the time and attention he deserves, even when we let other things overtake our mind and parade about our heart, he's still there; arms open. That takes some serious perspective and humility.
Also, I've been thinking. In Lewis' opening monologue of Shadowlands, he states that "suffering...[is the] mechanism that will penetrate our selfishness and wake us up to the presence of others in the world." I've experienced this. I remember a time when I was about to do something really hard--just uncomfortable and painful--and I was walking around the Testing Center to blow off steam before I went in to face this dragon of a task. I was scared and fluttery and in pain...and all of a sudden my eyes were opened to those around me. I recognized that if I felt this way, than others could feel this way as well, and my heart hurt for them and their moments of grief and anxiety. I looked at people then and loved them then in a way that is difficult to attain in the self-absorption of the day to day. My suffering helped me to love in a way impossible to generate by sheer power of will.
My question then, is what happens when we are in the opposite state? Can this generosity of being be generated when we are having success, in love, or feeling lucky? In the same monologue, Lewis says "Self-sufficiency is the enemy of salvation. If you are self-sufficient, you have no need of God." Whew...he's right though. 'Self-sufficiency' or Independence from God could be the real quest of the American Dream; to be so comfortable and secure that you don't need God's sustaining power in your life.
I think this can threaten when we come to love. Being in love can make one generous and giving, in an effort to bring others into the same state of happiness you are currently experiencing...but it can also mean a good amount of self-absorption and perceived self-sufficiency. That loneliness you've been staving off for years, that cavernous space of need finally seems like it might go away in the light of your newfound love. God needn't fill you as much because you think you have someone else to do it now...and how willing you are to shift the responsibility for your safety into the hands of someone you can touch and see! I don't really have a response to this, except that Romantic love, while immediately intoxicating, gives mainly the illusion of lasting (and potentially Godless) emotional security. Things may be good, but will not always be perfect. There will be weaknesses, misunderstandings and joint issues that only a reliance on God can fulfill.
In closing, I guess I can say that God loves us whether we are suffering or feeling self-sufficient. While we all desire the security that comes with being happy, lucky and loved, do not forget the privilege of suffering. That opportunity to lean on his arm, and to see people with more love, more desire to genuinely serve and uplift through suffering is invaluable, and one crucial trough on the way to the ultimate peak of living with Him forever.
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